thắc mắc Em lại lên đây nhờ các bác xem hộ lỗi ngữ pháp

Em chào các bác, em lại ngoi lên nhờ các bác xem hộ em bài viết này. Mong các bác nhận xét giùm bài viết của em. Em cảm ơn các bác.
Nam is a student in my class and he is a freshman at HUST. This is his timetable. In the morning, he usually wakes up an hour before the bus leaves at 6:30 AM. After, he arrives at HUST. He has a class every day, it starts from 6:45 AM to 11:45 AM. He studies Maths, Physics, Chemistry, English and Engineering at school. After he finishes his class, he has lunch with his friends at the cafeteria near the school. In the afternoon, he participates in a study group. This group holds all week. After, he plays football at the end of the afternoon. He comes back home at 7 PM and he has dinner with his family. He does excises until 11:00 PM and he goes to bed at 11:30 PM. His life is very busy, but he is very comfortable because he always has time to relax with his friends and family.

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Hadung2111 said:

Em chào các bác, em lại ngoi lên nhờ các bác xem hộ em bài viết này. Mong các bác nhận xét giùm bài viết của em. Em cảm ơn các bác.
Nam is a student in my class and he is a freshman at HUST. This is his timetable. In the morning, he usually wakes up an hour before the bus leaves at 6:30 AM. After, he arrives at HUST. He has a class every day, it starts from 6:45 AM to 11:45 AM. He studies Maths, Physics, Chemistry, English and Engineering at school. After he finishes his class, he has lunch with his friends at the cafeteria near the school. In the afternoon, he participates in a study group. This group holds all week. After, he plays football at the end of the afternoon. He comes back home at 7 PM and he has dinner with his family. He does excises until 11:00 PM and he goes to bed at 11:30 PM. His life is very busy, but he is very comfortable because he always has time to relax with his friends and family.

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ý kiến của mình, đây là một bài tường thuật oke. Từ vựng khá đơn giản, thì hiện tại đơn, hầu hết là câu đơn. Lỗi object (hold cái j). Lặp từ after. Nếu mình thì mình mông má lên tí, thêm tí thì tí câu tí muối cho ngọt hơn

Bài này viết về cái gì và viết cho ai đọc?

Hadung2111 said:

Em chào các bác, em lại ngoi lên nhờ các bác xem hộ em bài viết này. Mong các bác nhận xét giùm bài viết của em. Em cảm ơn các bác.
Nam is a student in my class and he is a freshman at HUST. This is his timetable. In the morning, (1) he usually wakes up an hour before the bus leaves at 6:30 AM. After, he arrives at HUST. He has a class every day, it starts from 6:45 AM to 11:45 AM. He studies Maths, Physics, Chemistry, English and Engineering at (2) school. After he finishes his class, he has lunch with his friends at the cafeteria near the school. In the afternoon, he participates in a study group. This group (3) holds all week. (4) After, he plays football at the end of the afternoon. He comes back home at 7 PM and he has dinner with his family. He does excises until 11:00 PM and he goes to bed at 11:30 PM. His life is very busy, (5) but he is very comfortable because he always has time to relax with his friends and family.

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(1) Viết kiểu word by word nên nó ra vậy, viết tách ra thành 2 có lẽ hay hơn: The bus leaves at 6:30 AM, so he usually wakes up an hour earlier to catch the bus.
(2) HUST thì là university hoặc college
(3) Cái này cần dùng câu bị động: This group is held
(4) lặp trạng ngữ nhiều, có thể thay bằng then
(5) viết kiểu này nó bị lỗi syntax. Nếu trình độ không đủ giỏi viết câu phức thì nên tách ra làm 2 câu hoặc viết câu ghép thôi. Có thể sửa như vậy: His life is very busy, but he is very comfortable. He always....
Bài mô tả này ở trình beginner thôi, ko cần dùng nhiều cấu trúc cao siêu làm gì. Dùng mấy cấu trúc đơn giản là được rồi.